As we have concluded our brief visit with two representatives of the recently extinct species of American literati we called "the gadfly," what is left for us to undertake? After all, we came not to praise these free spirits but to bury them. And six-feet under they surely are. They are gone from the American biosphere as completely as the dodo bird and, like the dodo, were made extinct by the foibles and carelessness of man. In their place we have but an impotent mutated specimen, that is to say, the genus Voluminous, the species oriculis and the subspecies zealotrous. These snippets of Latin (another formerly useful but long dead human advancement like public speaking without Teleprompters or private thinking without prejudices) when placed in their proper sequence become: Voluminous oriculis zealotrous, which translates, roughly, to "loud mouthed zealots."

This new beast (it should be noted that a combination of global warming, copious emissions of sulfur and methane gases at political rallies and deforestation of the Brazilian rain forest have been conclusively proven to have caused this unfortunate misadventure in DNA miscoding) has flourished. When it reached sufficient mob strength, like the spawn of Beelzebub from which it originally sprang, it dutifully underwent mitosis and divided its members into what may be called the "conservative" tribe and the "liberal" tribe. (Think "Survivor"; the only difference being they can’t be voted off any island.) The appearances of the tribes are unique in their manner of dress and appearance. The conservatives wear 25 year old seersucker suits and loud, grotesque neckwear; the liberals prefer faded, threadbare blue jeans - ideally with holes - and unironed (and usually unwashed) flannel shirts. Another tribal-specific behavior is that the conservative tribesmen wear antiquated patent leather, lace-up footwear, most often wingtips, with holes in the soles; those of the liberal ilk favor tattered Birkenstocks, worn (dare you ask?) sock-less. Conservatives eschew trimming of nose/ear/eyebrow hair and wear American flags conspicuously on their lapels; liberals avoid deodorants, all contact with soap and hot water and wear multicolored wrist bracelets.

Both tribes have succeeded in infesting every one of the newsrooms of the 968 cable channels that have appeared this year and the 1215 similar stations that existed previously. The species-specific sub-characteristics of these mutations are primarily in their whoops and include:

• volume of conversational speaking exceeds 60 decibels
• volume of argumentative speech exceeds 80 decibels
• volume of confrontation (angry, indignant, self-righteous, "holier-than-thou," "I am gonna pop a cap in your ass, you Cracker!," etc.) speech exceeds the engines of a 777 jet at full thrust

This is one set of criteria but they’re nonspecific and can be easily mimicked by the more common and ordinary homo americanus. For example, the same speech patterns can be heard from victims of 12 straight hours listening to an iPod, teenagers rendered prematurely deaf from pimped out car stereos (apparently installed without volume controls) and mothers with small children or, for that matter, fathers with teenage children.

Thus, we need more specific classification criterion. And, fortunately, due to the work of China’s Bureau of Caucasian Nano-Studies, The Islamo-Fascist Institute of Martyrdom and Virgin Acquisition and through the Herculean efforts of the U.S. Department of Dangerous or Threatening Alien Species, we have just such criteria that makes the process of identifying this breed accurate and fool-proof. To complete the process after identifying possible sightings based on the volume of speech, one need only examine the content of the speech. To do this, it might be necessary to record samples of the verbalizations. To be actually heard and understood by the virgin human ear, the volume on the playback should be decreased (at a minimum) to 1/10 ambient volume. This will allow for the analyst to actually decipher the ear-splitting utterances of these individuals and protect your ears from further damage.

Also, if at all possible (and it is often required), you may want to record using a system that allows you to slow down the utterances to one-half or, if necessary, one-third speed. While reducing the original volume will save your eardrums from further assault, reducing the playback speed of the sound will allow for the investigator to separate the overlapping voices which invariably takes place when two or more of the mutants simultaneously speak. It should be noted, that another of the minor classification points is just this: when these transmogrifications tend to howl in proximity to each other (they never actually communicate; but they do screech when near another of their species), they overlap making comprehension of what any of them are saying virtually impossible.

Once the recording is available, volume reduced (if the ability to reduce volume is not readily available, listening to the recording at 100 yards may be safe) and playback speed appropriately slowed, you are able to scientifically identify the species. The speech patterns are the "give-away" telltale signs and are quite species specific. Patterns that have been noted after detailed sound analysis include:

• The content of the speech is completely illogical. As opposed to normal human dialogue, oriculis zealotrous relies on increasing intensity of sound and rate of utterance to overwhelm its opponent and prevent the actual exchange of ideas.
• Rather than answer questions, representatives of oriculis zealotrous subvert the questioner and go into what can only be described as "attack mode". The zealotrous will suggest that the other zealotrous was illegitimately parented or prematurely weaned or possibly reared by she-wolves or mugwumps. Alternatively, they might posit that they were from a habitat frequented by harlots carrying diseases or that their education was handled by Bob Jones University, Jesuits or, worse, home schooling by Fundamentalists in Kansas. Derision of and personal assaults on the nearest oriculis zealotrous are characteristically the only instance when vocalizations emanate from this hominid. Without a species-mate who threatens their quietude or, in lieu of that, when a camera and microphone are thrust near them, the zealotrous are mute.
• Oriculis zealotrous may, when cameras are running and another of their species is near, also shout out (always inappropriately) any of several unique signal phrases: "idiot," "moron," "un-American," "anti-American," "atheist," "evangelical," "fundamentalist," "communist,""fascist," "liar," "bigot," or "war monger." The use of any two of these words/phrases in a 60 second segment of continuous shouting is the sine quo non of oriculis zealotrous,
• As normal humans use argumentation to make a point, oriculis zealotrous relies solely on insult, abuse, slander, defamation and denigration to verbally bludgeon their adversaries into submission or, at least, silence. When moving in for the kill, the species relies on several key declarations that silence - often abruptly - their opponents. These devastating utterances seem to strike an immediate sense of "shock and awe" in the zealotrous to which they are directed. These sounds include: "queer," "faggot," "wimp" or, phrases such as "social Darwinist," "insensitive to the poor," "you don’t care nothing about Black people!," "legacy of slavery" (whatever that might actually mean in translation) and "ethnic cleanser" (it has been determined that this is not a detergent). When any one of these calls are made in any 60 second continuous recording, you have identified a true zealotrous caucasius.
• Classically, the most powerful call emitted from these new breed is one which halts all further exchanges. It is the infamous sound "racist." Once this singular uluation is sounded (always at the top of the volume scale) in the direction of another oriculis zealotrous, all yowling promptly ceases. There seems to be no retort to this disparagement. It is apparently most effective and, indeed, seemingly devastating when used by subspecies oriculis zealotrous negroid in proximity to the other subspecies oriculis zealotrous caucasius. In current parlance, one might say "game over." The stunned zealotrous caucasius takes on a decided red hue about the facial region, the eyes squint as if stung by a noxious spray, he reflexively clamps his mouth shut and, almost immediately, glances away, apparently a sign of disdain or frank embarrassment.

Once you have identified the presence of Voluminous oriculis zealotrous, you may turn off the broadcast. It is strongly recommended that you dispose of all evidence that you witnessed such an encounter lest you be federally prosecuted by the appropriate Food and Drug statutes. As in the case of smoking, excessive or ex-marital fornication or trans-fats, prolonged exposure to the caterwauling of Voluminous oriculis zealotrous has been declared "hazardous to your mental health" by the Surgeon General. There is nothing further to be discerned from the confrontation of these formidable beasts. You will hear no exchange of ideas or viewpoints, no give and take of positions, no analysis of fact and, surely, no coherent speechification. In short, nothing of use in making personal decisions or to change public opinion.

Thus, we have a classical example not of evolution but of devolution, an alarmingly frequent side effect of the modern age. Due to the continuous degradation of the gene pool, we have regressed from the civil, learned and insightful written commentary of the archetypical "gadfly," to the useless and noxious Voluminous oriculis zealotrous. We have devolved from civil discourse and the exchange of ideas and personal beliefs to the ear-splitting, illogical, politically-motivated and bombastic harangues of seriously deficient transmogrified lesser beings.

Never again, it seems safe to assert, will we see the like of Mark Twain or H.L. Mencken. Their sage observations and wisdom will never be read again among the common folk as their form of communication has been usurped and hijacked, leaving no traces in American culture. It has been replaced by the mass produced "talking heads" (the colloquial term for Voluminous oriculis zealotrous) that assault our mentation every minute of every day. Perhaps, after the next 2 or 3 geological epochs, we may see their kind again, rising from the primordial ooze. If we do, I pray that my progeny will treasure and nurture their insights and their honesty. For it is only when people begin to speak their minds, openly and without the restraints of artificially dictated "political correctness" can we hope to make progress toward resolving our many problems and conflicts,

Like the demise of other precious world treasures, like the spotted owl, the western black rhinoceros and The Spice Girls, we are much the poorer for their loss.