I suppose we are all aware, to one extent or the other, just how crazy...er...ah...."quirky" (yeah, that’s the ticket!) we really are. You know just what I am referring to so don’t just roll your eyes and pretend "Oh, he must be talking about all those other people." Not so fast, Sparky; I am taking about you! You are, whether you admit to yourself or keep the truth locked away in your secret place where you think no on else will ever discover the fact of the matter, as nuts as the rest of us. It really comes down to just how crazy are you? It’s, as in mot things, a simple matter of degrees. And, thus, the raison d’etre for this little peek behind the curtain that we spend most of our waking hours so carefully weaving to hide our true selves from the prying eyes of the world.

Face it: we humans are - hands down - the wackiest, most neurotic, illogical, prideful, unreasonable and instinct-driven animals on this little blue planet. Deep inside, we know it but, in order for us to be accepted by society (and, in some cases, to remain free to walk the streets) we have devised and carry out some of the most elaborate deceptions since The Serpent fooled Eve into thinking the apple would be good for her and Adam’s sex life. We expend untold amounts of energy (which, if harnessed, could eliminate the need for fossil fuels forever) to appear to all the world that we are social animals and not the hairy, snarling beasts that once fought to the death for anything from the best looking woman to the last bite of roasted stegosaurus. We stroll about in our finery, appearing to be genuinely compassionate for the welfare of all mankind, shedding crocodile tears for the victims of the latest natural disaster and savoring the joys of cohabitating with our beloved fellow Homo sapiens for whom we have only the highest respect and affection.

Yeah, right! Given the right circumstances, the right incentives and anything close to a 50-50 chance of getting away scot free with the deed and most of our ignoble species would whack our neighbors over the head, ravage their wives and their daughters, bury them all in the backyard and forge a will that gives their home and their land to us and roast their dog for supper. I am not a cynic, folks, just a realist.

We are, to our core and for all times, primitive and self-interested troglodytes, one short step removed from the primordial ooze. And the only thing that keeps us from reverting back to the sophisticated ethics of our cave-swelling years (to whit: "Kill or be killed!") is the annoying habit that someone usually discovers our dastardly deed and (if we are not O.J. or Phil Spector or Robert Blake) has a tendency to punish us, often severely is we do not have the wherewithal to buy our way out of jail. There are, after all, only two legitimate driving instincts in the nature of our species: the pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of pain. We are only able to (barely) restrain ourselves from nonstop hedonism because of the prospect that the Big Club of Society will fall on our head and lock us away to party no more. Needless to say, these days, there are certainly ways around this possibility but, for most of us, it is still possible that Bang! Bang! Maxwell’s Silver Hammer (apologies for every under 50 for the obscure reference) may come down on our heads.

The fascinating thing about all this dribble is that science has designed ways to measure and quantitate our diabolical misrepresentations of our true selves - science calls them our "personalities" - and, if we use them as guides, can actually help us hone our masquerade to an even finer edge. It seems that our personalities are a composite of 5 basic dichotomies:

• Open-minded/Closed-Minded
• Conscientiousness/Undirected
• Extrovert/Introvert
• Agreeable/Antagonistic
• Neurotic/Stable (whatever "stable" means)

As all science is fond of doing, the five scales are nicely ordered into the acronym "OCEAN" or, if you are so inclined, "CANOE". The blending of the five - a dab of this, a pinch of that and a scoop of the other - gives us a picture of how we present ourselves to the world. It is our individual costume for the masquerade, if you will.

I took two versions of the test and found them relatively consistent in the picture they presented. The first, a 39 question inventory, showed that, principally, I am high in my "openness", "conscientiousness" and "neuroticism" - the latter being one of those times when a high score is decidedly not a "good" thing. I am lower on my "extroversion" score and even lower on my "agreeableness" score. In a nutshell, I am "original, creative, curious and complex" (openness index), "reliable, well-organized, self-disciplined, and careful" (conscientiousness scale) and I am rather neutral in sociable, friendly, fun-loving and talkative (extroversion score). Now, for the bad news: I am distinctly not "good-natured, sympathetic, forgiving or courteous" (low agreeableness score) and I am nervous, high-strung, insecure and a worrier (high neuroticism index, that "bad" high score).

The second test, was 122 items and, apparently, is formally called the "California Q-Set" (or, simply CCQ) test was developed by Jack and Jeannie Block in 1980 for use in children and adolescents but, more recently, has been shown to be accurate in adults as well. Whatever. On it, I scored even lower in extroversion ("prefer to be alone, reserved and serious" - check!), continued my tendency to drop off the scale in agreeableness ("hardheaded, skeptical, proud and competitive" - double check!) and, again, scored lousy (high) in neuroticism. I rocketed to the top of the class with openness ("broad interests, imaginative, higher I.Q., musical interest" and - get this - "hold liberal political opinions"; I guess every test has its flaws) and conscientiousness ("responsible, well-organized, high standards and work hard to achieve goals; associated with higher grades on verbal intelligence tests").

Clearly, some things leap out from the tests. Most of which I agree with. I am a loner who entertains himself because of a wide-range of interests. I do not "play well with others" probably because I am a rather snobbish, ego-centric and stubborn person who considers himself an "intellectual" and "I know what I know". I am very conscientious, possibly to the point of compulsiveness. I am a worrier through I, personally, consider the term "neuroticism" misleading. I am not a hypochondriac - the exact opposite, actually - and that, from a medical perspective, is what I most often associate with neurotics. But, I will let that pass. In brief, I am pretty much of a jackass. I’ve know that for years and, for the 3 people who regularly read this BLOG, it should not come as a shock to them, either.

I presume that the question, after all this, is what does one do with this sort of information? Does anything I learned give me the uncontrollable urge to give up my membership in the "Dick Cheney Charm School", adopt a puppy and join "Jerks Anonymous" or, maybe, Greenpeace to mend my ways? (I hear Greenpeace is a great place to meet chicks if you don’t mind the unshaven, "back to nature" types). Alas, no. My obvious shortcomings - primarily, those dealing with interpersonal relationships (the extroversion and agreeableness scales) - I can live with. As luck would have it, I am self-employed and don’t have to kiss anyone’s posterior cleavage to live beyond the scenic confines and reasonably-priced ambience of the "Under the I-65 Bridge Community". Similarly, the only person that has to enjoy my presence is, well, moi. I admit that I do go through employees like a hot knife through butter but, in this economy, they are easy enough to replace. As for training a new worker up to speed, it is a fairly simple process in my work: pull charts, run credit cards, file insurance (rarely) and smile at the patients. We’re not talking rocket science, here.

However, my issues with neuroticism do give me pause. Since it, according to the tests, "depicts a tendency toward negative emotions, such as anger, anxiety, or depression", that might actually need a little work. Apparently, those who score high in neuroticism "are emotionally reactive and vulnerable to stress". Bummer! I’ll have to give that some thought or, better still, maybe begin on Prozac. From my understanding, a good dose of Prozac can significantly suppress the "worry wart" in all of us. And "better living though chemistry" has always been one of my favorite mottos. Since we can seemingly turn deviate behavior of all types into functional citizens with a little pharmacotherapy and dollop of TLC, my little "quirks" should be a piece of cake in the hands of a skilled therapist. Wait, I am a "skilled therapist", at least of sorts!

A little less neuroticism might be a definite improvement. It would sure be better than trying to actually suppress the nagging feelings I fixate on daily that the world is going to hell in a handbasket and there is not a damned thing I can do about it. The end draws near and the orchestra on our Titanic is just waiting for the conductor to start leading a rousing version of "Nearer My God To Thee."

Yep, Prozac it is!